Reviewed on January 31, 2015 by

Posted in Action / Reviews

Transformers: Age of Extinction

transformers

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[Total: 4    Average: 5/5]

OK, I don’t get it. Someone is going to have to explain it to me because I don’t get it. Transformers Age of Extinction was the highest grossing film of 2014. Come on.

I’m not going to review this film. Reviewing it isn’t necessary because everyone knows what it is, what it does, and how bad it does it. We don’t need a review to tell us it’s dreadful, because we’re all sentient beings with the ability to reach very simple conclusions. Surely right? Surely? But much as I feel like that statement has to be true, the evidence just doesn’t support it. Millions of people saw this movie and made it extremely profitable. So I’m not going to review the movie. I’m going to review the people who went to see it. People made this the highest grossing film of 2014, and they deserve my scorn.

Before I begin, let me make something very clear. I’m not a film snob. I don’t think films need to be art, I just think they need to entertain. High budget special effects showcases have often also been very good films in my opinion. I loved Independence Day, in fact I think in a way it’s one my favourite films. Armageddon made me cry – although admittedly that was the morning after a particularly chemical fuelled night out so I wasn’t in the most stable of mental conditions. But my point is I’m not going to just hate Transformers because it’s a big budget film and wasn’t funded with pennies collected via some kind of carbon neutral crowd-funding scheme and then filmed by the homeless using unused film from discarded disposable cameras. I am going to hate it because it was completely unwatchable.

I don’t use the phrase unwatchable lightly. I haven’t actually seen this film all the way to the end. I tried three times, but it’s so dire and so long that I just can’t make it. In order to finish this film I would need a drill sergeant screaming in my face telling me not to quit from about the tenth minute onwards. This is the p90X of film endurance. If you can get through it without vomiting you’re probably allowed to join the Navy SEALS.

So how did this happen? How did it gross over a billion dollars worldwide? Every review of the film said it was terrible. The trailer made it obvious it was going to be terrible. All the other films have been terrible. So why did so many people give their money to see it, and more importantly why isn’t there a government campaign aimed at sterilising these people with hammers?

If people keep giving studios over a billion dollars to make films like Transformers, it’s impossible to blame those studios for making those films again and again and again. This in turn makes more people accept that this is what constitutes a film and further dulls the senses and intelligence of a public so woefully lacking in both that we’re teetering on the edge of true calamity for humanity. So if you liked this movie, if you gave them the money which confirmed to them that making these films is a good idea, please know that I wish genuine and real harm upon you. You’re worse than the Nazi’s, at least they were following orders.

Transformers: Age of Extinction on January 31, 2015 rated 5.0 of 5

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