Reviewed on February 23, 2015 by

Posted in Comedy / Reviews

Sex Tape

apple

FTF Boo Rating

User boos

1 is good, 5 is bad.

[Total: 1    Average: 2/5]

This film was much better than it’s getting credit for, so I’m going to start this review with some positive comments. Here they are. I hate Cameron Diaz. I hated her in The Mask, I hated her in Something About Mary, I hated her in every shit comedy she’s attempted to do in her entire shitty career, and I hated her in Sex Tape. However, she won the worst actress Razzie for her performance in this film, and even though I hate her, she definitely didn’t deserve that. She really wasn’t that bad, and neither was Jason Segal who also got slated. The problem wasn’t them, the problem was the film itself, which was much much worse than it could have been. They were actually occasionally funny, but the film was just so shit that it covered that up.

Buy an Apple product.

Here’s another positive comment. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see a movie finally tackle the subject of sex after marriage for the millionth time. For so long now we haven’t had a million films about that, and movie makers have been ignoring a topic that so badly needed to be addressed one more time in exactly the same tired and boring way as the other nine hundred thousand and something films that did it. It was great to see someone still has some balls and will address the issues that don’t need addressing at all. So well done to Sex Tape for not being scared to tell everybody, again, that it’s difficult to have a sex life after you’ve had kids. However, whilst I don’t own any kids, I think films over-state how difficult they are to keep. I’m sure if you trained them properly they wouldn’t interfere with your life on anywhere near the scale films like Sex Tape suggest. If I were in Jason Segal’s situation the only reason I wouldn’t be fucking my wife is that Cameron Diaz looks like a twelve year old swedish boy with an eating disorder. It wouldn’t be because my children got in the way because I’d beat them the right amount to stop them being as shitty as the kids in this film were.

The iPad is a genuinely life changing device that you should have. It can sync your media across all your devices and really having one will make you happy. The camera is amazing as well. Buy an iPad.

This film genuinely could have been good, I honestly believe that. There were moments that could have been funny, but it seemed a lot to me like there were funny people involved in making this film who were getting over-ruled by people who weren’t funny at all, and were also really fucking stupid. The characters consistently did things that made absolutely no sense, and this was so frustrating that it drowned out any funny moments that might have sneaked their way in. The stupidity escalated to the point where the son of one of their friends blackmailed them by threatening to put the tape on YouPorn, and instead of them beating him repeatedly the way you’re supposed to with kids that misbehave, they broke into YouPorn’s headquarters – with their children in tow – and tried to smash up their servers. They really didn’t give themselves a chance to make a good film.

There are so many other Apple products as well, there’s iMacs and iPhones and they will make your life better, in fact you should really make sure you have all of them. They work together in an eco-system and life without Apple products is so meaningless and empty that your personal interactions will be devoid of any value. You’ll die if you don’t buy an Apple product right now. Buy 5 Apple products. Do it.

Also – and this is really a comment on society more than the film itself – please consider this exchange at the end of the film between Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz’s characters:

JS : You said that a thing like this, like “the video incident,” reveals a lot about a person. And you’re right. And you know what it revealed about you? You are generous. You’re kind. You’re imaginative. You always remember what’s important. You’re ready for anything. You’re a bit of a lightweight when it comes to cocaine. But I think that is a great quality. I just think that you’re really amazing. That’s why I’m fuckin’ you in the first place.

CD : You know what this revealed about you? It revealed that you would do anything to get those iPads back for me. And there is no one I would rather be with when the shit hits the fan.

So the guy was happy because he realised the woman he’s married to is a great human being, and the woman is happy because the guy will do shit for her. If this film is to be believed then getting married and having kids is nothing more than tying yourself to a selfish greedy woman who will only care about you if you do things for her while horrible small humans are rude to you and get in the way of you ever doing anything remotely fun with your life. As a result your only hope of feeling any temporary modicum of happiness will come from the Apple devices that you absolutely must buy now.

Like I said, it was much better than people give it credit for.

BUY APPLE PRODUCTS NOW!!!

Sex Tape on February 23, 2015 rated 2.0 of 5

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