Reviewed on February 27, 2015 by

Posted in Reviews / Sci-fi / Thriller

Project Almanac


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1 is good, 5 is bad.

[Total: 5    Average: 2.2/5]

I would sooner face the consequences of punching a 500 pound silverback gorilla in the cock than force anyone to sit through this film. Going to see Project Almanac was one of the worst cinema experiences of my entire life and it started even before I took my seat. Although I’ve always wished for the power of flight I think my actual superpower is the unfailing ability to always pick the popcorn queue which is populated by the agonizingly illiterate and served by the cataclysmically stupid. I swear I could hear the customers in front of me struggling not to shit themselves as every neuron in their brain fired simultaneously trying to read the words “Now Showing”. It took ten minutes for the popcorn monkey to serve the three people in front of me and after I repeated my order three times his dull cow eyes looked into the middle distance as he asked me if I wanted a tray. A tray? To put my bucket of popcorn on? Not only would a tray be wildly impractical for carrying popcorn, but upon further inspection I discovered that the cinema doesn’t even have trays. As a result, all my patience had been used up in the popcorn queue and I had none left for the movie.

This film was two whole, tedious hours packed with the stupidest ways anyone could think of to utilise time travel. One of the first things our hapless bunch of high school cretins did was go back so that one of them could take a physics test. They went back ten times in order for him to ace the test as he kept on getting it slightly wrong. I’m not mad that they used temporal relocation for such a pointless endeavour. I’m not even mad that they didn’t explain what they’d done with the multiple copies of themselves which would inevitably have been lingering around the classroom at the same time. What I am mad about is that the next thing they did was to go back in time and try to win the lottery. I say that they tried to win the lottery because they got one number wrong so instead of winning the $52 million jackpot, they only won $1.8 million. When they realise their fuck up and one of them suggests going back in time to play the correct numbers, the physics test wanker (with horror in his voice) says

“I am NOT winning the lottery twice”

So, it’s OK for him to do a totally meaningless high school test ten times and run the risk of rupturing the fabric of space time. But going back once to rectify something that would positively affect the entire group forever is totally out of the question. I am still so angry about this scene that I think I burst a blood vessel in my eye as I wrote this. These are the same people that went back in time so that a girl could spill a drink on another girl but they refuse to win the lottery properly. I have no words, just insurmountable feelings of rage.

Later in the film the main guy, who I’m going to call Time Lord, tells everyone to meet him under the football stand during school. So they all sneak out of class for one reason or another and when they get there he blasts them all a couple of weeks back to a shitty pop concert. They’re all having a swell time until Time Lord cock blocks himself, throws a hissy fit and decides to blast them all back to the present. They arrive back at school in the middle of the day, 41 seconds after they’d left. Presumably they’re all piss ass drunk, covered in body paint, sweaty, tired and smelling like old gym socks. They now have to go back to the lessons they left a couple of minutes before and finish the rest of the day. So not only did they do something that can be done without the aid of a time machine but they also did it at one of the worst moments imaginable. Why couldn’t you have done that at the weekend, Time Lord, you unparalleled prick?

Dissatisfied with his original cockblockery, Time Lord goes back to the festival by himself and uses his knowledge of the past to hook up with one of his time travelling cronies who is a solid 8/10. He returns to the present to discover that he is now boning down with 8/10 but has no knowledge of the last couple of weeks of their relationship. Predictably his jaunt into the past has unexpected consequences like his mum having a job and planes falling out of the sky. He keeps on jumping back to get the timeline on track and every time he returns, he is a little more disorientated with the new reality. Eventually he goes back in time to his 7th birthday and kicks his younger self right in the balls for growing up to be such a stupid little bitch. As the two touch, their shared reality cancels itself out and he ceases to exist. The timeline is fixed and everything is better for him not existing to ruin everything with his stupid, smug little face. That’s not actually what happens but it would have been a much better film.

One of the many, many reasons that I hate this film is that there is no logical consistency. In time travel there’s either time travel where the things you do in the past create ripples which change your future, like The Butterfly Effect. The second type of time travel is the one where everything that happens has already happened and will continue to happen, regardless of what you do, a la 12 Monkeys. We’re shown at the beginning of the movie that we’re in the second type of time travel but then the film flits between the two as the story requires without ever really explaining why.

There’s a scene in the film where a bunch of kids are having a party when all of a sudden all the electricity is cut. The whole street is dark for a good few seconds before some dude at the party pipes up and says “Hey, your lights have gone out”. The audience knows the lights went out, mainly because the lights went out. The party goers also know that the lights went out, presumably for the same reason as the audience. That fucking “lights out” idiot is to that party what Project Almanac is to cinema. He wasn’t invited to that party but he came anyway, he didn’t bring his own booze but got smashed on everyone else’s. Before the lights went out he was annoying all the invited guests and when the lights come back on he’ll punch a hole in the wall, vomit on the carpet and pass out on the patio. The absolute worst thing about this person is that no matter how many people tell them they’re a cunt, they’ll always think they’re the life and soul of the party. Everyone will grow up, go to college and get a job. This person will never leave the town they grew up in and will always reminisce on the good old days where they were awesome and cool and told everyone the lights had gone out. We know they’ve gone out, you fucking idiot – everything is dark now. Kill yourself.

Project Almanac on February 27, 2015 rated 3.7 of 5

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  • Black Jack said, on Sunday, August 9th, 2015

    May be the best review I’ve ever read about Project Almanac !
    You read my mind bro !!

  • amazingrobie said, on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

    This movie is the most offensive piece of garbage to anyone with free, logical thought there has ever been. MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD DOES NOT JUDGE THE United States BY THE CONTENT OR IMAGES OF ANY OF THE MOVIES THAT THE WIZARDS OF “HOLLYWOOD” CHURN OUT. People, (including myself, I’m no hypocrite and know I’m just as guilty of this), need to stop watching any of this programming crap. It tricks naive people into being really, really stupid over time with their decision making choices as they see this moronic behavior and try to emulate it in their own lives or it causes them to have misguided preconceived notions of how the world works and how human interactions are to be conducted. NOT TO MENTION ALL OF THE GIRLS WHO EMULATE THE FASHIONS AND TRENDS BEING PRESENTED EXPOSING THEIR BODIES ALL THE TIME IN THEIR YOUNG ADULT FORMATIVE YEARS SETTING THEM UP FOR A LIFE FULL OF SELF REGRET FOR THEIR DEGENERATIVE BEHAVIOR. I used to believe I somehow missed out being born in an earlier decade where AIDS and other diseases kept people from being EXTREMELY promiscuous/sexual, but now know that this EXTREME anti-moralistic behavior being displayed can also be seen as mental instability and I would hate to be a part of this younger generation of camera phone wielding junkies. I do not follow any particular religion and I’m not prudish (there’s nothing wrong with sex when you’re of an age to pursue it), but this movie still offends me on every level and makes my brain scream to turn it off…but a train wreck is a train wreck and I just can’t turn away…

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