FTF Boo Rating
1 is good, 5 is bad.
When I got to the cinema and asked for a ticket to Mortdecai the guy at the counter stared at me blankly. After a little persuasion he looked at his monitor and was shocked to discover that they were in fact showing the film. The excuse for his ignorance was that no one had been to the film since its release and no one at all had ever talked about the film to anyone. I was the only person in the cinema during the showing and I genuinely believe that the projectionist judged me for voluntarily sitting through the entire film.
The only thing that this disgusting back alley abortion of a film did right was its trailer. Too many films nowadays stuff all the best bits of their film into a sexy three minute eye fuck only for the movie itself to turn out utterly hopeless. The great thing about Mortdecai was that there were literally no good bits to put in the trailer so the film ended up being exactly as shit as I’d expected.
Since watching this film I have now officially rejigged my list of Things to do when I get a time machine. Number 8 now states:-
Go back in time to the first day of Mortdecai filming, shoot Johnny Depp in the face and rip off one of his arms. Then go back to the first day of Transcendence filming and beat that Johnny Depp to death with his own arm from the future. Then rip off one of Transcendence Depp’s arms and go back in time to the first day of shooting The Lone Ranger and beat that Johnny Depp to death with his future arm. Continue this process with each of Johnny Depp’s films up to Once Upon A Time In Mexico when I’ll beat him to death on the last day of filming as opposed to the first.
What happened to Johnny Depp? After Pirates of the Caribbean he seemed to wrap himself in a bubble of his own narssistic self-amusement as he vainly attempted again and again to create a character as definitively cool as Captain Jack Sparrow. Actual acting went straight out the window as he put on a series of wigs and accents, affected hilarious walks and hammed all his lines like a drunken homeless person reciting Shakespeare. This film became yet another vehicle for him to run around being “kooky” whilst managing to be totally oblivious of the gulf he’s opened up between him, the other actors and the audience. I imagine the annoyance that all characters in the film direct at our titular protagonist will be similarly felt by anyone who has the misfortune of sitting through this whole film with no hope of escape.
This dated farce is the most recent addition to Depp’s already long list of films which have been declared as crimes against humanity by the UN. This is a camp, offensively bad foray into slapstick humour that even the Carry On films wouldn’t have tolerated. Did no one involved with this malignant cancer realise that comedy has evolved since the 1970s? You can’t just say clitoris or anus and expect us to be rolling around on the floor holding our bellies in hilarity. The “jokes” in Mortdecai felt like they were written by a group of 15 year old schoolboys who had no idea that their audience was going to be larger than them and their mates. Every cheap laugh that was offered up like a hunk of stale bread fell so tragically flat that I half expected the actors to break the fourth wall as they sheepishly looked into the camera and apologised to the audience.
The rest of the actors were all awful too, don’t get me wrong. But having a go at them now would be like writing about Hitler and Madeline McCann’s parents in the same article. Sure, they all deserve to rot in hell for eternity, but there’s a special place reserved for genocidal lunatics that baby killers just haven’t earned the right to see.
Also, Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t hot, she’s old and gross and she’s been old and gross since having her head cut off in Se7en.