Fast & Furious 7
FTF Boo Rating
1 is good, 5 is bad.
When Paul Walker wrapped his car around a tree and burst into flames, cinema goers everywhere breathed a collective sigh of relief. Surely there couldn’t be another Fast and Furious movie when the star of the franchise had literally melted his face off. Oh how upsettingly wrong we were.
Now I appreciate that the Fast and Furious franchise is intended to be tongue in cheek and “just a bit of fun”. This doesn’t change the fact that they should attempt to at least loosely conform to the laws of physics, psychology and physiology. There are so many things wrong with this film that it’s difficult to know where to start, so I’ll start with something light. Vin Diesel is now so goddamn old that he looks like someone drew an angry face on a cold scrotum – how many furrows does one face need? It’s not just Vin though, all the cast are now so far past their prime, this movie should have been called Fast and Furious and “Ow I just shattered my fucking hip because I slipped on this wet floor as I got out of the shower”.
Interesting bit of trivia for you, although director James Wan is 38 years old, he is only just going through puberty now. Like any pubescent boy all James Wan can think about are butts and titties. Big butts, small butts, black titties or white whether you oil them up or cover them in sand, paint them gold or get them wet just for the love of god MAKE THEM JIGGLE!! Give James Wan butts and breasts, loud noises and crass rap and he’s as happy as a 13 year old who’s just found his first jizz mag hidden in the bushes by a bus stop.
Iggy Azalea had a cameo in this film. Yuck. She looks like Marlon Wayans from White Chicks and raps like Eve would if she had an extra chromosome – from now on, the fewer things she’s in the better. She’s trying to be a showbiz chameleon with her singing, dancing, rapping and acting, but rather than having the whole palette of chameleon colours at her disposal, she only has varying shades of shit brown.
The film opens with Jason Statham’s character visiting his brother who’s in a coma in hospital. He angrily vows revenge on the assholes that put him there and then walks moodily outside to scenes of death, destruction and general PG-13 carnage. He’s clearly annihilated the 50 or so highly trained special ops guys guarding his brother without receiving so much as a scratch. At this point it’s safe to say that he’s a certifiable bad-ass and can kill just about anyone. The next scene Statham is in, he has a big sexy fight with The Rock – who’s just one (albeit big) person and they’re fairly evenly matched until he cheats by blasting the Rock out of a window with a grenade. Statham then runs away to Japan to dispatch one of the guys that killed his brother – a feat he achieves seemingly without issue. Whilst in Japan he posts a bomb to the Human Torch’s house and then calls Nut Sack Face to warn him it’s there just before he blows it up. Everyone escapes unscathed although there is a pretty sweet bit where the Human Torch gets his face smashed into a car window. I wonder if that part was always intended to be in the film or whether it was put in later as an homage to his gruesome death. Anyway, I’ve become side tracked from my original point which was – is Statham a bad ass or not? He’s tough enough to take down an entire SWAT team but he can’t defeat The Rock in hand to hand combat? And while he was in the same city as Nut Face and Human Torch why didn’t he just go and kill them instead of flying to Japan and then posting them a bomb like a pussy. Also, doesn’t the postal service check for things like bombs? Poor planning, poor execution and worst of all, poor environmental awareness – that’s almost 4 tonnes of CO2 he’s produced flying across the world on that inefficient little round trip to Japan.
I think the last film I saw in this franchise was Fastest and Most Furiousest so maybe I’ve missed something between then and now but is there a reason why every single member of Ball Bag Face’s crew is now a martial arts master? I thought they were just car thieves and boy racers? Were the films I missed just montages of them all training with the Israeli Special Forces, learning Krav Maga, marksmanship and battle tactics? Seriously though, all clichés and martial arts skills aside this is the most talented group of people on the face of the earth, they’re like the A Team on Steroids and crystal meth. All the bases have been covered – Muscle, Tech, Charm, Beauty, Joker and more (even bigger) Muscle. This crew has so many crazy mad skillz that even the US government comes to them in times of need. The government is all “Scrotum Man and Human Torch, we need you to do this thing for us because it’s in a country where we don’t have jurisdiction so we couldn’t possibly do it ourselves”. This is an interesting thing for the US government to say when you consider that other countries where they have no jurisdiction include Iraq, Iran, Guatemala, Mexica, Cuba and Syria. Historically, a lack of jurisdiction never stopped America from going wherever the hell they want regardless of whether there was a threat to their national security or not. But without that bit of dialogue the film wouldn’t work so they send in the car thieves and let them deal with it since the US obviously doesn’t want to be involved. Despite funding the mission. And providing all necessary equipment. And communicating with them throughout the mission. Plausible deniability and all that.
Speaking of communication – how stupid do you think it would be to broadcast your plan over an unsecured radio frequency whilst you are conducting said mission in the vicinity of paranoid bad guys who have hundreds of bodyguards all with radios? That’s pretty stupid, right? Because that what the F&F crew did every single time they were on a job; luckily everyone they were up against was just as stupid as them so no ill ever befell them – at least not due to careless radio transmission.
A set piece happens – cars parachute out of a plane, explosions pop up all over, bullets fly, everyone spouts a witty one liner and a seriously heavily armoured bus inexplicably has one wall made of tinfoil blahblahblah. Basically, things happen that enable our protagonists to bust a THE WORLD’S GREATEST HACKER out of the ineffectually armoured bus and …..shock horror….she’s a smoking hot woman. Now I know it’s poor form to make sweeping generalisations but I’m writing this article so I’ll do whatever the hell I want. Hackers aren’t hot, no matter what Hollywood would have you believe. To be a good hacker, you have to put in thousands of hours of hard, tedious work sitting behind your keyboard eating Cheetos, drinking fizzy pop and masturbating into a sock. There’s no time for socialising, exercising or caring about looking good. This leads to actual successful hacking being the sole domain of super smart autists and socially awkward neckbeards, but never ever EVER sexy, interesting women. But then, as if she knew what we were all thinking, hot girl spouts some relevant hacker buzz words like ping rate, IP address and data packet – just to clarify that she does actually know what she’s talking about. Then she goes in the sea to get her tits wet……because James Wan.
The rest of the film is a stupid patchwork story that’s cobbled around a few places that James Wan wanted to film in -Saudi Arabia, a warehouse, some American city streets. Who cares? As long as there are explosions, fast cars, hip hop, tits and awkward one liners, who gives a shit? Things happen, the good guys win, the bad guys lose something something HOLLYWOOOOOOD!
At the end of the film, we’re subjected to a five minute scene where everyone says goodbye to The Human Torch before he and Ball Bag face have a quarter mile race like at the beginning of the first film. The camera zooms out from a helicopter high above them and as the road splits Paul Walker goes one way and Vin Diesel goes the other – signifying the moment they separated from the highway of life. Touching stuff. I’ve recently seen that they’re planning an 8th film in the series and I really think they missed a trick with this one. What better way to explain Paul Walker’s unavoidable absence in Fast & Furious 8 than for him to lose control of the car during their little race, crash into a tree and burst into a big ball of fiery flames. Art imitating life and all that.
Lessons I’ve learned from Fast, Furious and Old as Dinosaur Shit
Roll bars will protect you if you decide to roll your car down a mountain. At worst you’ll get dust on you but this can easily be washed off during a camera cut.
Unmanned Aerial Vehicles have their targeting computers programmed by bond villains and Storm Troopers
If you can’t blow something up with a load of rockets then just ask Vin Diesel to stomp on it for you. I’ve only seen it work with multi storey car parks so I can’t vouch for anything bigger than that.
The moment you’re convinced a person has definitely died, their stopped heart will resume normal function, just to mess with you.