50 Shades of Grey
FTF Boo Rating
1 is good, 5 is bad.
For a film that sold itself on raw, unbridled sexuality, I can honestly say that the shower scene in Schindler’s List is more erotic than any aspect of 50 Shades of Grey.You’ll be unsurprised to discover that this movie is every bit as bad as you’d expect it to be. It was so dull that I genuinely had trouble sitting through the entire 2 hours and 5 minutes of it without punching myself in the face.
For a film that is supposed to explore the darker aspects of human sexuality I was shocked that the few brief “bondage” scenes were so vanilla. Even the supposed climax at the end of the film was utterly pedestrian; I’ve seen parents in Tesco spank their kids harder than our main characters did. I don’t understand how we live in a world in which we can see people getting their throats cut, eyes gouged out, dicks cut off, faces blown up but it’s not cool to show a penis entering a vagina? Whose twisted moral compass set us on this course where we regularly watch people kill each other in as many graphic ways as possible but seeing two people properly explore each other’s bodies is perverse? One thing that I can guarantee about every single person reading this article is that at some point your dad’s pee pee went into your mum’s cha cha, at least one of them had an orgasm and *BAM!!* you were made. Sex is the most natural thing in the world, it’s the start of all human life and it’s beautiful. Who in their right mind decided it’s not a thing we should be allowed to see? I thought this film was going to break some boundaries. I wanted to see full penetration front and back, scarily spiked cock rings and hideously oversized butt plugs. I wanted these guys to eat chocolate mousse out of each other’s assholes with riding crops whilst strangling themselves with liquorice whips. Instead I got tedious tender love making with a sprinkling of light bondage and approximately no close ups of engorged genitalia. Boooo.
If I was to remake this film the first thing I would do is hire actual human actors to play in all the roles. In the version I just saw, Grey was played by a lump of granite with Henry Cavill’s face carved into it and Anna was a red ball of melted candle wax in a shit wig. The chemistry between these two inanimate objects was predictably non-existent, the sex wasn’t sexy and I found their relationship, such as it was, 2 dimensional and dull. This is just a film about a messed up guy exploiting and manipulating a naive young girl into having wildly mediocre sex. It was funny to me that although Grey is supposed to be the dominant one in their relationship, Anna treated him like her bitch throughout most of the film. Terrible casting was had by all and while I’m on the subject, I’m pretty sure Anna’s friend Kate was played by Kenny the down syndrome tiger .
For me, the most irksome part of 50 Shades of Grey is the total lack of any interesting narrative which meant I had absolutely no markers as to how far away the end of the film was. It felt as though I’d been sitting in my chair for 40 days and there was still no hint the credits might roll any time soon. With most movies there is an obvious indicator that we’re going into the final act –the wave that has been building throughout is finally about to break and some kind of resolution is going to be achieved. No such luck here. In between stifled screams of boredom I would turn to my friend and since she’d had the misfortune of reading the source material I’d ask if the tedium was almost over. “Yeah, I think so. I’m not sure. Could be….I haven’t been paying attention” was her inevitable reply. Although we did eventually leave the cinema to go home, I found that for me, the film hadn’t quite ended. 50 Shades of Grey is so horribly, painfully unerotic that my penis went into voluntary hibernation as protest. It’s been just over 12 hours since this libido destroying tragedy of a film and only now is my little fella just starting to show the first signs of regaining consciousness.
If you want to maintain a healthy sex life, avoid this film at all costs.