The Day the Earth Stood Still
FTF Boo Rating
Remember, 5 boos means you think it's the worst film you've ever seen.
I’ve only just seen this film. When I first saw the trailer I thought to myself “hmmm, that’s going to be shit”, and then when the time came that I was invited to go and see it I said to that person “hmmm, it’s going to be shit”. And then this weekend, when I saw that Sky were showing it I said to myself “hmmm, this is going to be shit” and then I watched it. And it was shit.
For the sake of my sanity I’m going to leave out all mention of the fact that the ridiculous notion that human beings are causing the climate to change is based on absolutely no evidence. I won’t mention that at all. Instead, I’ll pretend it’s true, and that this film isn’t built on cuntfisted media driven fear vehicle which the slightest examination of the facts exposes as pure nonsense.
So, the premise of this film is that an advanced alien species has come to earth to kill us because we’re ruining the planet. They arrive in a giant marble and have a big robot which knows magic, and they can make human bodies they can live in because of something they never bother to explain, probably because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.
So that’s the concept, now the story. The marble drops off Keanu Reeves in the middle of a park so he can get shot and then imprisoned and tortured by some random low level White House admin staff member who is running the whole “Aliens have landed on earth” situation. The president was apparently busy doing something more important. Keanu Reeves escapes and enlists the help of the girl from Labyrinth so he can go and see the worlds leaders and tell them to stop burning fossil fuels.
I’m at a loss as to where to begin complaining about this film. Do I pick the fact that an Alien lands on earth and is denied the opportunity to speak to the worlds leaders by a random white house administrator? Do I pick the fact these aliens seemed to be able to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, yet instead of landing at the place where the world leaders were actually meeting, they land in a park and let some random people stop them doing the thing they’d travelled billions of miles to do? Do I pick the fact that instead of just giving us a better fuel source which they clearly had, the aliens decided to wipe out our entire species and then act like we were the ones being dicks? Or do I just say that this film was fucking boring, fucking pointless, didn’t understand the message it was trying to convey, had a shit script, had shit actors, lacked imagination, vision and creativity, and had me so bored that I played scrabble on my iPhone for the last 20 minutes of it?
No, I’m not going to go for any of those things. Instead, I’m going to concentrate on the real problem with this film. There was no giant wave. If you make a film about the end of the world, you have to have a big fucking wave in it. It’s the rules. I only decided to watch the film for the big fucking wave, and I only kept watching it because I was waiting for the big fucking wave. These films have a big fucking wave in them, that’s just the way it is, and the fact this film didn’t have one is even more unforgivable than all the stupid inane moments in this totally fucking wrong movie.
I want my fucking wave.