I’m not entirely sure why this film was made; the storyline is a fetid piece of stinking cat excrement which, had it been shown in the Mulder/Scully heyday, would probably have gotten the show cancelled. That is an actual transcript of the conversation Mulder and Chris had when deciding to do this film, and seems to me like the only logical explanation as to why the script was ever taken out of the bin it was festering in;

<RING RING>

Mulder: Hey, is that Chris Carter, creator of X-Files?

Chris: Yeah it is, what can I do for you.?

Mulder: It’s Mulder. My movie career didn’t take off like I’d hoped and I can’t pay my rent this month, any chance we can do another X-Files film so I don’t get evicted?

Chris: Yeah, fuck it, why not? I could do with another car. We’ve got no script though.

Mulder: Meh, who gives a damn? If we put out a film called X-Files people will see it regardless of whether it’s good or not.

Chris: Shit, you’re right. People are so stoopid. I’ll grab my camera and meet you on the frozen lake tomorrow.

Mulder: Awesome! Um, do you mind if Billy Connelly comes with me? We’re having a sleep-over this weekend and I don’t want to leave him out.

Chris: Fuck it, what do I care so long as I get paid?

The premise isn’t really deserving of being in the “X Files”, the regular FBI could just have easily taken on the case. The only (tenuous) link to “unusual events” is Billy Connelly’s character- a child raping priest who has the unusual power of making his eyes bleed and spouting useless predictions about things no one cares about. The predictions can only be explained by aliens, or God, or Father Christmas…or an inoperable brain tumour. Same tired old shit, Scully has a crisis of faith, Mulder acts weird and gets his organs harvested. Boring. Pointless. Give me my money back you thieving bastards.

What really pisses me off is that I’m sure the initial draft for this film wasn’t even written with Mulder and Scully in mind. Some studio executive saw the script and realized that it was completely un-sellable, what with it being shit and all. They then realized that even though the script was rubbish, they could make a buttload of money just by changing a few names around. So the boring, old, tatty script that no one wanted to read because it was so abysmally boring became the shiny and sellable X Files: I Want to Believe, still as shit as the original but at least people will go to see it. What a cheap parlour trick that once again nets movie-makers huge profits whilst still managing to show their utter contempt for the fans that see their films. If I didn’t love popcorn so fucking much, I swear I’d never go to the cinema.

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