Mark Wahlberg. Yeaaaah. Hey Mark Wahlberg, how do you think you should play the role of Elliot Moore in The Happening? “Errr, probably going to spend the whole time speaking like I‘m telling a 4 year old her rabbit has died to be honest. That will probably be for the best.”

Here are some suggestions for what this film should have been called:

• The Absolutely Nothing is Happening
• The I Wish This Wasn’t Happening
• The Hayfever is Happening
• The Why Are They Letting this Happening
• The M. Night Shyamalan is a Fucking Dick

If anyone can tell me one good thing about this film I will give them 1 million dollars. You know how the US got in a bit of trouble for kind of, I mean just a little bit, torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay? Well what they were doing is showing them this film. And they should be in trouble. I don’t care how many innocent people you’ve murdered, no crime is bad enough that it should be punished with the viewing of this film.

OK, I should actually start reviewing it rather than just insulting it, although to be honest those two things are one and the same. A brief synopsis is that everyone has randomly starting killing themselves, and nobody knows why. After some boring fucking around and some embarrassing dialogue, we discover that trees are killing everyone with some sort of new age poorly thought out hayfever.

Yeah I know….pretty shit.

Of course, the reason the trees have started doing this is that they have identified humans as a threat to the planet and have decided to eliminate us. Now, according to Marky Mark, trees have the capability to create any number of different chemical compounds, so this makes sense. Let’s assume it does make sense, surely it would have made more sense if we’d just started dying? How the fuck does a tree know what chemical compound would make us all kill ourselves? That’s just stupid, that seems like a really specific chemical. Can they make one that makes us do the Charleston? I could just about buy a chemical that made us morbidly depressed, but some people don’t kill themselves when they’re depressed. Some people, most people, just gorge themselves on cake and biscuits and masturbate to low grade pornography whilst crying. That’s how I handle it anyway.

This is going to be short review because there really isn’t anything to review. Nothing happened in this film. In fact, for those of you who have seen the film anyway, let’s make this an interactive review process. I’ll say a word, and then you to say the first word that comes into your head. Let’s begin.

• Characterisation
• Transition
• Script
• Plot
• Cohesion
• Entertainment
• Mark Wahlberg
• M. Night Shyamalan

Right, my guess would be that the words you just said were shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, and cunt. Am I right?

I hated this film. I left feeling like M. Night Shyamalan had raped me in the face. If people had just started dying, not killing themselves, it would have improved the film. If the script hadn’t been written by throwing magnetic letters at a fridge, it would have improved the film. If basically every single responsibility that anyone had on this movie was given to someone else, anyone else, it would have improved the film. But no, we got stuck with this. And it was fucking terrible.

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