Reviewed on May 23, 2009 by

Posted in Reviews / Sci-fi

Spiderman 3

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[Total: 30    Average: 4.2/5]

Spiderman 3 was immediately boring. The opening credits lasted a lunar cycle and I shit you not I was close to walking out before they’d even ended. When they finally did, I wished they hadn’t, because the film that followed them was like being kicked in the spine. It turns out they weren’t opening credits at all, it was a list of people to blame.

The details of this write up are going to be fuzzy, as I spent a lot of the film trying to swallow my tongue, but one of the first things I remember them doing was introducing the character of Sandman, or whatever the fuck he was called. They showed him going to see his sick daughter after breaking out of prison in order to illustrate that he was a criminal, but had a sensitive side. I didn’t care, neither did anyone else. Sandman gets chased by the police through some places, it’s boring. Then he goes into an area where people are doing science, and ends up in a big pit of gravel. A big pit of gravel that science is being done to. What type of science? Who knows, they don’t bother explaining that, apparently a group of people were just randomly rotating 3 metal prongs around a big pile of gravel. They were doing science to it see? Anyway, cutting to the cumshot, Sandman walked into it, the science got all over him, he became part of the science, and one of the fifteen hundred characters that were to play a part in this retarded shit-flick was born.

My next point is this. Kirsten Dunst is ugly and shit. Her face looks like it’s melting, and her voice is the audio equivalent of being attacked by a gang of youths. The only way they could have made her more irritating than they managed to in the first crappy films would have been to make her sing. So they did. It wasn’t entirely obvious at this point that they were deliberately trying to make it the shittest film ever made, but I had my suspicions.

Enter James Franco. I don’t know this, but I’m pretty sure that before filming on Spiderman 3 started, this conversation happened between the director Sam Raimi and James Franco, the actor who played Peter Parker’s friend/enemy/love rival Harry Osborn

SR : So we’re making Spiderman 3, and Harry Osborne is going to be one of the hundred and twenty key characters

JF : OK, so more of the same yeah, quietly angry, desperately needing his fathers approval, angry over his death, that sort of thing yeah?

SR: No James, not quite, not this time, it’s a bit different

JF: How so?

SR : Well Harry is going to lose his memory in a fight with Spiderman, and he is going to regress a few months and think he’s still bestfriends with Peter Parker and MJ and will really like them again

JF: Oh right, so how would you like me to play it?

SR : Well I’ve given that a lot of thought, and I was thinking you should play it like a fucking retard.

JF : Sorry, what?

SR: Seriously, like a retard, Think about it, you’re going to be really happy you’re with your friends, and those down’s syndrome kids are always smiling aren’t they, play it like that

JF : You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, are you trying to make this the shittest film ever?

SR : What, no no no don’t be silly, who told you tha…no, no seriously we’re not ahem. Anyway James, play it like a retard, have you got that? Like a fucking retard.

Like I said, I don’t know this conversation happened, but I definitely suspect it did, and by now I knew that this wasn’t just a film that had gone wrong. It was a deliberate and blatant attempt at creating the worst film in history. And it was looking like a safe bet.

It’s incredibly hard to detail everything that was shit about this film. Some black stuff came from the sky and made Spiderman evil. A photographer went to church to ask god to kill Peter Parker. Kirsten Dunst. The list goes on and on.

Assuming this film was an attempt to make the shittest film ever, and I’m convinced that it was, right until the late middle of the film it had been performing incredibly. If it was an ice skating routine it would have landed all its jumps perfectly whilst displaying artistic creativity and natural poise. But it was about to land a quadruple lutz. I knew it would be shit, the first two were shit, and I only went to see it so I could write an article about how shit it was. But the scene I was about to witness was shit on a scale that words cannot do justice to. It was the worst thing ever committed to film. It made the entire cinema completely silent with a combination of awe and rage.

There is no way to describe it, no way to illustrate the horror, the sheer genius of the shittness of the scene that was to come. The black stuff made spiderman evil, and when he got evil, it became necessary for him to become as emo as possible, He started dressing like he was in Panic at the Disco, he combed his hair over his face in the classic emo style, and he started to wear eye liner. He then walked around the streets shooting people with Jazz fingers, went to a Jazz club and called someone “hot legs” and then proceeded to dance with a chair. That’s fucking right. I said he danced with a chair. It was like watching a car crash, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and if it wasn’t for the fact he punched Kirsten Dunst at the end of it, there would be nothing positive about it at all.

I’m going to say this again. He shot people with Jazz fingers.

HE SHOT PEOPLE WITH JAZZ FINGERS!

I cannot recommend this film highly enough, if you haven’t seen it, do everything in your power to see it as soon as possible. It’s execution is a sheer wonder. Nothing could ever be this shit again. It is the perfect representation of a bad film. I beg you to go and see it.

And Kirsten Dunst was in it. I hate Kirsten Dunst.

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Spiderman 3 on May 23, 2009 rated 5.0 of 5

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Comments

  • Luc said, on Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

    I’ve never walked out of a film yet, but this… thing nearly drove me to break my duck. If it wasn’t mid-afternoon, and I had actual shit to do, when Parker started emo-strutting, I would have run out of the cinema.

  • Jask said, on Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

    This was a horrible film. I remember wanting to punch a cripple after seeing this film. That’s right. Spiderman 3 promotes cripple abuse. The bastards.

  • Dan said, on Saturday, August 20th, 2016

    You lost me the moment you said the first two were shit.
    Spider-Man 2 is still universally regarded as one of the best comic book movies yet made. For what that compliment is worth. I can see you don’t like Dunst. I think she’s very pretty and likeable. That’s my opinion. I read yours and I didn’t agree.

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