I was planning to write reviews on each of the three Shrek movies, but the simple fact is that I don’t hate the first two enough. I really don’t. The first one was a bit of fun, and actually forced me to ignore my default stance of “this is a DreamWorks Animation film, it’ll be shit”*. Shrek 2 wasn’t nearly as decent as the original, but it still managed to conclude without me fearing the worst for the franchise.

Unfortunately, Shrek the Third has managed to undo all the good work of the first two films and send the entire franchise deep into the forest of “shite third instalments that wreck an otherwise decent film series”. The problem with Shrek the Third is that it’s not fresh. The first film had some originality, combined with a story that was entertaining but also simple. It’s easy to forget that we don’t always want a complicated plot, that can only be deciphered after four or five viewings. Even Shrek 2 managed to keep things feeling sort of fresh. A raft of new characters were introduced, who weren’t all terrible and a plot (while a ogre’s step down from Shrek… I am so sorry for the use of “ogre” in the preceeding sentence.) that still made some sense.

Shrek the Third manages to be totally rancid. It’s not fresh at all. It’s almost like the writers looked back at Shrek 1 & 2, removed all the interesting parts, spliced what remained together and filled in the gaps with ejaculate. All of the stars have obviously lost the desire for the franchise, because they manage to carry off their respective roles with a complete and unbelievable lack of passion. If you listen to Mike Myers in Shrek, he sounded like he gave a shit. He wanted to voice an ogre, and had a laugh doing it. In Shrek 2, he was a little flatter, but most people won’t even notice. By the time we hit Shrek the Third he’s obviously decided that voice acting is stupid, so he might as well do a shit job.

This film is filled with terrible decisions. Justin Timberlake voices one of the new characters, which is a fucking disgrace in itself. You’d think the casting people could’ve picked someone who isn’t a total plank. Also, why do we need have the same shit family-friendly moment in so many films? “Oh he/she’s been stabbed, no wait – it’s gone under his/her arm”, it’s been done so many times that it’s pretty much the hallmark of a terrible film.

I suppose the only thing that I can be glad of is that the franchise is done. I’ve been reliably informed by Captain Common Sense that DreamWorks are putting this dying film series to death. Thank fuck for that.

Obviously the above paragraph is only a dream. In actual fact, DreamWorks are making Shrek 4 AND at least one spin-off. What a FANTASTIC decision. I can’t wait to see what they use for a story idea this time. Maybe they have Shrek rape Donkey for never shutting up? Perhaps Amy Adams will make an appearance and save this dying film series? We can only hope.

Watch Shrek. Maybe watch Shrek 2, if you can be bothered. Don’t watch Shrek 3 or any future Shrek-based films. In fact, while we’re naming DreamWorks animated films to avoid, steer clear of: Madagascar 1 & 2, Shark Tale, Flushed Away, Bee Movie and Monsters vs. Aliens. They range from poor to REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY CRAP.

Next time: Some other film.

* Note: Since the decent Over the Hedge and truly awesome Kung Fu Panda**, my default stance towards DreamWorks films is now “might not be terrible”.

** Additional Note: If you haven’t seen KFP,  you should do so with extreme haste.

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