The first Mission Impossible was a decent movie. It wasn’t fantastic, but it does just enough right to ensure that it reaches “above average” status. Mission Impossible III is also not completely terrible; I remember watching it the first time through and actually quite enjoying myself. Subsequent viewings have diminished the enjoyment somewhat, but I could still quite happily sit through it without feigning illness. So if the first film is OK, and the third film is OK, it would be an easy to assume that the second film is also OK… Obviously, this is far from the truth.

The opening of this film is Ethan Hunt (AKA Captain Scientology) climbing a big rock for two minutes and twenty seconds. We learn nothing from these two minutes, except that John Woo is out to waste my time – and he’s started like a pro.  Hunt then puts on some glasses, which inform his of an upcoming mission. By the end of this sequence, four minutes of my life have been wasted AND I know that the movie I’m about to watch is guaranteed to be a train wreck. I probably should’ve stopped it at this point, and saved myself two painful hours. Unfortunately, I’m a glutton for punishment, and decided to continue watching.

Essentially the movie’s plot revolves around a virus that fucks people up within a day and an antidote that stops people being fucked by the aforementioned virus. In case you haven’t noticed, this is not a great plot device. In fact, it’s a horrible plot – which is made worse by the total lack of subtlety. The antagonist, a guy called Sean “Captain Custard” Ambrose, has decided to go rogue on IMF. It is never explained why he went rogue, but we’re to assume that it was because he’s a really evil dude. Yeah, he’s evil. Bad custard man, you’ve been very naughty. Ethan has to stop him with the assistance of his old mate Luther (Ving “Caveman” Rhames), a weird Australian dude and a woman who was in a relationship with Captain Custard (AKA CC) a short while ago. She then returns to CC and pretends like everything is fine. “Yeah I left you, but you were a bit of a cock. I’m now back and I love you. Honest.” It’s completely retarded, and what’s worse is that they all seem surprised when CC figures it out (although it does take him a fucking long time). Really? He managed to figure out that’s it’s a bit suspicious that a women that LEFT HIM has suddenly come back into his life, JUST as he’s about to sell this virus for loads of money. His IQ must be off the chart!

The required romance soon blossoms between Ethan and Nyah (yes, that is her actual name), and you won’t believe how shit the chemistry is between these two. It’s like a brother and sister are getting it on. It’s just wrong. Luther and the Australian dude add very little to the movie, which is hardly surprising considering that their dialogue was probably written by a five year old. The cast really do manage to make you hate them by the end of this film, which is actually quite impressive.

So the cast are bad, and the plot is a bit shit. I could probably live with that, but there are a few scenes that turn this film from “one to miss” into “one to run the fuck away from”. The bit that gets me is the underlying sale of the big bad virus. John McCloy (CEO of Biocyte) wants to buy samples of the virus to distribute to parts of the world, so that he can sell the anti-virus to the infected at a big mark up. CC charges him a SHIT LOAD of money and stock in order to steal the virus for him. That’s fair enough I suppose, until you discover that the virus samples are at the Biocyte headquarters. Hang on a fucking minute. The CEO of Biocyte is hiring some chump to steal a virus that was created by HIS company and is being stored as Biocyte’s headquarters.  I’m sorry, but that is just retarded. Oh and guess what? Once Ambrose has the virus (which is being carried in Nyah by this point), he then charges John McCloy a load MORE money and stock than was originally agreed. REALLY?! No, that makes perfect sense. CC has crashed a plane (oh yeah, he crashes a plane) and killed people, but I’m sure he won’t double cross me! Idiots.

So yeah, there is also a scene where Ethan runs away from the bad guys and manages to “hide” by grabbing onto some railings above a doorway. I could probably have let that go, except for the dove. Yup, he manages to get himself into this fucked up position above a doorway – and NOT disturb a random white dove that is probably 6 inches from his face. The dove eventually realises “shit, it’s that scientology dude” and flies away – which alerts one of CC’s henchmen. It’s just a stupid scene, which really makes me wonder whether anyone actually watched this film before it was released.

Finally, the end of the film involves Ethan and CC duelling on motorbikes. They then decide to crash into each other, and fall onto a beach for the CLIMATIC FINAL BATTLE. It’s not climatic at all. In fact, it involves a bit of bare knuckle fighting until CC appears to have died on a rock. Ethan just assumes that he’s probably dead, as it’s not like he’s a secret agent or anything. CC then wakes up and points a gun at Ethan. Ethan pauses, notices a gun by his feet and kicks it to send it flying into the air. He then grabs the gun and shoots CC. Obviously during this 5 second period, CC makes no attempt to kill Ethan. That would make FAR too much sense. God it’s like being punched in the face by Superman. The REALLY terrible thing about this entire scene is that John Woo has an OBSESSION with showing waves. Waves hitting the beach, waves out at sea, just loads of waves. It’s just hilariously awful cinematography.

So in summary, Mission Impossible II is not a good film. You don’t need to watch the first one to understand this film, and you don’t need this film to understand Mission Impossible III. This is a blessing in disguise, as it means that you can just watch I and III and completely forget that this movie was ever made. The only compliment I will pay this film is that if someone ever held me hostage and FORCED me to choose between Vanilla Sky and this movie – I would choose this shit-flick without a moment’s hesitation. It’s not Vanilla Sky bad, but it’ll still put you off movies for at least a week.

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