Lesbian Vampire Killers
FTF Boo Rating
Remember, 5 boos means you think it's the worst film you've ever seen.
This movie is a wonderbra. Yes, I am being really trite and comparing a movie to an article of clothing but you should really hear me out because my feeble brain has managed to come up with two comparisons between the shitfest of a movie that is LVK and a push up undergarment. Yes, I know that’s one more than you think I’d manage.
Let’s face it, this movie promises a lot. I like to think of a bunch of premium lager swilling Hoxton twats sitting in a meeting room in Soho trying to work out what movie title would best appeal to men; meanwhile in a separate room there are other people trying to work out what movie name would best appeal to women (”Sarah Jessica Parker talks about her emotions for two solid hours while trying on shoes” would be the obvious choice). The lads do one of those little mind map things and eventually after much latte sipping and cock rearranging come up with three words that appeal to every man from the age of about 12 upwards.
So there you have it, a fucking great name. That is a name that promises all sorts of depraved things like girls eating each other out in a bloodlust fuelled fuckathon. That is a name that promises so many boobies that the viewer might even become bored of boobie by the end of the movie.
Not so. Like our aforementioned lying bastard undergarment the movie promises a lot of boobie but delivers very little. The name wonderbra is a great name because guys know that a wonderbra must contain wonderboobies. They don’t. The actual content of the movie is as disappointing as the contents of a wonderbra. Small and unattractive or flabby and annoying (coincidentally a rather good description of Horne and Corden).
The disappointment is one that is felt most by the younger generation too. Many 12-14 year old boys will have lied about their age to get into this movie at the cinema or obtain it at Blockbuster; they will no doubt have decided that because the movie has a 15 certificate then it must be far more grown up than they have experienced and so will contain more boobies and adult stuff than they have ever laid eyes on. The disappointment will of course turn them into cynical fuckers when they realise that movie certificates mean very little and even an 18 certificate movie doesn’t normally contain enough titillation for a good wank. This is kinda like the disappointment I felt the first time I pulled an older woman who had breasts my teenage mind just couldn’t comprehend. Imagine my disappointment when they turned out to be nowhere near as impressive as I first thought and I realised that even thirty year old women had crappy tits compared to the ones in my teenage imagination.