Reviewed on September 21, 2009 by

Posted in Action / Drama / Reviews

Inglorious Basterds

inglorious-basterds

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[Total: 50    Average: 3.3/5]

Friend: Hey Matt, fancy coming to see the new Quentin Tarantino film by Quentin Tarantino? Quentin Tarantino did it.

Me: Yes please person who claims to be my friend, I’d love to see the new Quentin Tarantino film by Quentin Tarantino. I hear Quentin Tarantino did it.

Friend: Fantastic! Well what are we waiting for, let’s go and see the new Quentin Tarantino film by Quentin Tarantino, Quentin Tarantino definitely did it.

Me: Oh no wait, Quentin Tarantino, I’m sorry, I thought you said it was made by anyone other than Quentin Tarantino, my mistake. No, no I definitely do not want to see the new Quentin Tarantino film by Quentin Tarantino.

Friend: Why not!?

Matt: Quentin Tarantino did it.

Alas, this wasn’t the conversation I had. The conversation I had was shorter. Three lines shorter to be precise. Unfortunately short scripting was not a problem that arose during the unbearable bastard of an experience that was inglorious basterds. Instead I was subjected to the longest shittest most boring script since the last time Tarantino decided to make a shitty self indulgent film that I was stupid enough to go and see.

Quentin Tarantino is an unspeakable cunt, I hate him all the way from his lumpy face to Uma Thurman’s man feet, but for the purposes of this review I’m going to try to ignore that fact and review this film as if it wasn’t made by that podophilic cunt hammer. Here are my problems:

  1. The film shouldn’t have been called “Inglorious Basterds” as the Inglorious Basterds weren’t actually in it. It should instead have been called “Cinema Film” as it was almost entirely about a cinema. I don’t really like the cinema, ideally I like the film I watch in one to distract me from the fact I’m in one, so having the film I’m watching in the cinema be about a cinema was shit.
  2. When people talk, they generally say things. That’s what talking is. The dialog in this film was barely equal in value to quacking or barking. You could have removed 80% of the dialog and it wouldn’t have affected the story at all.
  3. If you decide to make a self indulgent narcissistic shit festival of a movie, you should make it short. I’m not saying don’t make it, I’m just saying make it short. It’s a fucking compromise is what it is. This film was 18 hours long. At one stage there was a scene that was so unbearably boring and long that I simply had to get away from it, so I went to get more popcorn (which I didn’t want), have a cigarette (I don’t even smoke), talk to some of the people who walked out (of which there were 23) and play a game of monopoly (which I won). On my return, the scene had thankfully almost ended.
  4. It had one good character in it. Brad Pitt was good, engaging, played his role well….and was hardly in the film.

I’m not going to list the rest of my problems, as I feel I’ve got my message across. And unlike that foot-jizzing hasbeen I know when to call it a fucking day.

Inglorious Basterds on September 21, 2009 rated 4.4 of 5

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Comments

  • Tim said, on Thursday, December 9th, 2010

    Many seemed impressed by the opening scene. I thought the “borrowing” directly from Leone/Moricone for scenery and music and mashing Moricone’s music with moonlight sonata(?) was below someone with Tarantino’s time in the director’s seat. It clumsy, obvious and uninspired, the scene following was solid but that was the only one in the whole film I can remember with any fondness or detail…

    My fault with the marketing is presenting this as some homage to The Dirty Dozen. This film had no actors with any of the screen presence of the actors from that film – except maybe Jim Brown who is just HUGE. There were no Savalas, Bronsons, Marvins or Sutherlands in this production. The two stand outs were Pitt and Waltz and these still has none of the personality that character of those in the Dirty Dozen… Does this matter? I don’t know par for the course of modern filmmaking I guess…

    The Jew bear, after a minutes build up to the anticlimax of the year, appears… he is neither huge, scary (was it being ironic?). I felt that if the Cohens had done this he would have been a giant or a midget, extreme or extremely ironic… Instead we just get Tarantino’s rentboy Eli Roach. Wow.

    The bar scene is Tarantino trying to reproduce the shock value of the car crash climax half way through Deathproof. Except that he had really dull characters talk for too damn long before the inevitable flurry of violence occured. By which point the violence was just relief fromt he tedium of the film as it was – rather than a surprise or a climax…

    It fails and I don’t care how clever critics think he was mashing Euro art film with action/Western/wateverer.

    Most are just too scared to suggest the “genius” “enfant terrible” of pooping his drawers and asking Joe Public to pay to see it.

  • Jim said, on Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

    I’m a Tarantino fan less with each movie. Too much subtitled dialogue not enough nazi killing combat action. Great ending but fairly boring lead up.

  • whogivesashit said, on Friday, February 3rd, 2012

    Q.T is a cunt, i like some of his other movies but this i just couldn’t watch, 1 brad pitt was in it he can not act (what i think anyways) 2 i know its not supposed to be serious but their are so many damn WWII movies and to make a comedy out of such a piece of history were many people died jews and Germans, yes i am German and Native American i wasnt “offended” by the movie i just fucking hate brad pitts “acting” it makes me want to pay a Irish midget to kick me in the sack

  • TPTyf-E said, on Monday, August 13th, 2012

    This film was just so bullshit! Hitler only having two guards?!? A David Bowie song in a WW2 movie? That’s just two things that were plain ridiculous in this movie. Now I come to the Basterds. They were just that. They didn’t feel heroic or good at all. In fact in all honesty the Basterds made me feel sympathetic towards the Nazis. Imagine that!

    Overall the movie had a poor plot, poor acting, and just a poor premise in general. I have no idea how this can be rated so highly among critics, and the fact it is one of the greatest movies of all time according to imdb is just saddening. I’ve never liked Tarentino. His movies have stupid unbelievable stories and they are always extremely overhyped. Unfortunately many of us get sucked in time and time again and regrettably and unhelpingly squander a good hour or two of our lives.

  • hugh said, on Tuesday, August 21st, 2012

    This is how the movie should have gone:
    – Keep the first scene.
    – Include massive gun battle where the basterds ambush germans.
    – Keep the next scene where Pitt interrogates the Nazis.
    – Make the rest of the movie about the basterds killing and torturing Nazis.
    -The end.

  • Liam said, on Sunday, November 11th, 2012

    Um…why is everyone wanting tarrentino movies to be fucking action movies!? the guy is all about creating narrative and characters through dialogue. What’s wrong with you cunts?

    Why is Bowie in a WW2 movie bullshit? It’s bloody interesting! Why rehash EVERY OTHER WORLD WAR 2 FILM when you can do this…what is bordering on science fiction (given it’s alternative history). It’s bloody lovely this film. Engrossing, terrifying and spectacularly animated characters.

    And at the end of it, whether you like or hate this. You remember most of the characters. So he did his job very well. No one can fault this for being memorable.

  • Liam said, on Sunday, November 11th, 2012

    Also…WW2 BUTTHURT MUCH!? Get over it.

  • tim trey said, on Monday, January 14th, 2013

    tarrantino is a prize twat of rip-off merchant who does for film what that other talentless cunt gordon ramsey does for cookery.

  • tim trey said, on Monday, January 14th, 2013

    someone should write a film called “twin twats” or “a couple of cunts” starring the cunts gordon ramsey and tarrantino.

  • Jimmy Balantyne said, on Saturday, January 19th, 2013

    I dislike Quintin not so much on the grounds of him being a muggy cunt but due to the fact he refuses to accept it. Any actor who suffers him’s a cunt as well. I realise he’s not in this one but especially that fucking Samuel L Jackson.

  • Cameron Rice said, on Monday, March 25th, 2013

    I agree with what Hugh said, inglourious basterds should’ve just been about the basterds only, inglourious basterds was slow to the point of painful, the constant chit chat was annoying, and you barely get to see the basterds, the scene of Hugo stiglitz kickin ass and getting busted out of jail and the theater massacre at the end were the best parts but the rest of the movie was boring as shit, Tarantino just made it boring on purpose, how are you gonna call this a war film and make it boring as shit?, I mean come on, that’s just freakin stupid

  • Jamie said, on Thursday, April 11th, 2013

    Quentin Tarrantino is a NO TALENT CUNT. He’s never made a good movie in his life. Fucking Martin Scorsese wannabe. No talent cunt asswipe.

  • JT said, on Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

    I just saw this schlock fest. You know that you have failed when your exploitation film fails to conjure any dislike toward your antagonists. Sure, the “Jew hunter” was dispicable, but all the other baddies were guilty of nothing more than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They even weren’t all Nazis, most were ground troops. The German Army was not a branch of the Nazi party. The Waffen SS was, but most of the soldiers in this film were poor Schubs that got drafted. Don’t tell Tarentino that though. So you have a film where the only multifaceted characters are your villains, your protagonists are not likable or developed in any way, and on top of that they brutally kill characters that are not revealed to be necessarily cruel or bad people or Quentin never explains it (They’re all Nazis you know! No explanation needed). It’s just lazy and unintentionally subversive because it reserves all the humanity to the villains and denies all humanity to the Heroes (anti heroes would probably be an understatement). Especially the last few scenes. I can watch Takashi Miike without being bothered to much, but such cruelty in a wide release movie that leads the audience to accept what’s happening. It’s just disturbing. I don’t mind a disturbing film, but when you have the film so widely accepted by critics and common reviewers as acceptable for this level of violence against an arbitrary enemy, that is what disturbs me.

  • Pedro said, on Friday, October 18th, 2013

    Tarantino’s films are boring shit

  • Cameron said, on Sunday, December 8th, 2013

    inglourious basterds sucked ass, there was barely any action, it was PAINFULLY slow and it dragged A LOT, and it was painfully boring too, the only good parts were the theater shootout at the end and the flashback of Hugo stiglitz kickin ass and getting hired by the basterds when they bust him out of jail, other than that, the movie sucked, the only tarantino movies I like are kill bill volume 1 and django unchained, i HATE all his other movies

  • sexy riker said, on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

    a piece of shit, i couldnt watch more than 20 mins. waste of time.

  • irene shubik said, on Sunday, February 16th, 2014

    Tarantino is the second worst thing to happen to cinema.
    The first worst thing is his fans.

  • Brenda said, on Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

    ” The fact that we have more teen pregnancies in this country than in any other industrialized nation, while our rates of sexual activity are nearly the same, is lack of education, plain and simple. Anyway, don’t bet on Brittany Morgan being asked back. At the end of the day, I had waterlogged fingers, tan cheeks and a red nose, freckled by the sun.

  • Chris Steiner said, on Friday, October 24th, 2014

    Thank fuck someones can see what a tosser Tarantino is. And I am German and I think QT must hate Germans – or likes making a mint out of all the Nazi crap he writes. The scene where the German Lieutenant is murdered makes me want to take a baseball bat to Tarantino’s arrogantly sneering mushed-up face. And Brad Pitt must have been paid a mint to play that drawling redneck he portrays so idiotically. It’s not a bad film – it’s based on a sick premise written by a sick mind. But they don’t put rich Hollywood directors in Bedlam – they’re allowed to walk free in society. Words cannot do justice to the contempt I hold him in.

  • Juan said, on Monday, December 1st, 2014

    Q.T. is the biggest shitheaded asshole in the entire world. He makes every single masturbatory piece of shit movie with the same idea, just with a slightly different backdrop, like having a different play on the same school stage. His gleeful, disturbingly inaccurate depictions of extreme violence, camp theatrical racism, and good old fashioned brutal cruelty speak volumes of his fucked up mind. Real violence is more like Sin Nombre or even one of Cronenberg’s movies (not that I’m a fan of his); blunt, upsetting and brutally short of empathy. That’s where the audience comes in. Instead, Q.T. (quartered testes) likes to make the act of shooting somebody in the head into some fucking camp dance from a music video. Thank god he has no offspring. Dear Quentin (great name, by the way. A great name for a fucking asshole arrogant shitbag who probably masturbates to Pulp Fiction every night in bed), you’re a piece of shit stuck on Hollywood’s Ug, that won’t scrape off on the curb. Fuck you. Although you were ok in you’re little scene in Desperado. I guess that’s something.

  • Susu said, on Sunday, January 4th, 2015

    I had the PRIVILEGE of attending the UK premier of Inglorious Basterds! Having seen the trailers i had high hopes but had doubts due to a string of self indulgent films (c’mon lets be honest, self indulgence is his tarantinos middle name)

    I was surprised to find though that he had pulled the cat out of the bag with this one. The film is rich with interesting dialogue, Perfect timed comedy with a dash of brutal assassination.

    The crowning glory of this film though lies with Christoph Waltz whom no fault or error can be found. He manages to create a real tension in the audience whilst remaining quite “theatrical” (couldn’t think of a better word). He definitely deserved his prize at Cannes

  • Canucklehead said, on Friday, July 31st, 2015

    Save yourself 10 hours of your life and go watch The Dirty Dozen.

  • Canucklehead said, on Friday, July 31st, 2015

    The last good film Tarantino ever made was Reservoir Dogs. That’s going back a year or two.

  • Petey said, on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017

    This movie should be named “How I think US armed forces engagement in the Western Front during WW2 went: a boring story by QT” or “My revenge fantasy of some jews herded by a handsome man against the nazis”

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