Reviewed on June 5, 2009 by

Posted in Action / Reviews / Sci-fi

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

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[Total: 23    Average: 3.7/5]

If I turned up for work one day, took a shit in reception, phoned all my clients to tell them they’re brainless cunts and then replaced all the staff in the building with inanimate objects I could reasonably expect to be fired. How is it then that George Lucas, that no-talent ass-hat, can do that every single goddamn time he goes to work? Surely there were some people out there with brains and stock options in Indiana Jones who were able to veto all the mindless shit that he put into Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

Where the fuck were they? Why didn’t anyone who was helping to produce this trainwreck of a film just turn to him and say “Don’t be a cunt George, give Indy fans some fucking respect and let someone with talent write and direct this film. We’ll put your name on it at the end, that’ll be enough to get people through the doors.”. But instead everyone stood by and let this utter waste of time be created. In the opening credits, when I saw his name associated with the screenplay I just wanted to get up and walk right out of the cinema. I wish I had. The first scene was of a couple of CGI gophers doing fuck all but being generated by a computer, something that probably took some poor cunt with an animation degree weeks to make and served no apparent purpose. I was desperate to find out why they were there, so I asked George Lucas:-

Me: So George, the gophers at the beginning of the film. Am I right in thinking that the fact they’re coming out from a hole in the ground is symbolic of Indiana Jones’ eagerly awaited return after a long absence?

Lucas: Symbolic? What the fuck does that mean? Are you speaking Greek?

Me: Uh, no George. What were they supposed to represent in the context of the film? Why the fuck were they there?

Lucas: Uh, duh! To give the audience massive erections, obviously.

Me: Erections?

Lucas: Yeah, of course. Everyone knows that a good bit of CGI makes people cum in their pants.

Me: Right. No George, unfortunately for fans of Indiana Jones and Star Wars, you’re the only one that has an instant romance explosion whenever CGI is used.

Lucas: Oh well. Like I give a fuck about you guys anyway.

Me: That’s what I thought. Thanks for your time George.

Lucas: No problem, go fuck yourself.

What an insightful interview, Star Wars makes so much sense now.

After the gopher things left, everything got worse until FINALLY the credits rolled and I went home to cry. I have nothing good to say about this film, it’s lost all the old charm of the originals and the story was practically non-existent because GL was too busy spunking CGI instead of having any meaningful dialogue. I for one am going to boycott any piece of shit with Lucas’ name attached from this moment on.

Things I learnt from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Polished Turd

  • The melting point of lead is higher than a nuclear explosion.
  • 60 year olds look stupid when they run
  • Shia le Bouf is a cunt (just kidding, I knew that well before Indy 4)
  • Seeing old people kiss makes my balls shrink

Rather than going to see this film I suggest you punch yourself in the face, it’s cheaper and ultimately has the same outcome.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on June 5, 2009 rated 4.0 of 5

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Comments

  • Tizz said, on Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

    I was doing something mundane the other day and suddenly my mind which had done a fantastic job of erasing about 99% of this film from my mind, decided to let loose the part that made me totaly speachless… the scene where he survives a nuke.. by getting inside a fridge… thats blasted a few miles across the sky before crashing back down… WTF.

    I fucking hate that no one had the balls to say something when making this film, and more so scenes like this…

  • Tim said, on Thursday, December 9th, 2010

    It was crap, to be sure. But I went in expecting crap like that… I actually felt it captured the feel of the previous films better than I thought it would.

    Yes the actors are olde, but I didn’t feel like I was watching Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon…again.

    My complaint was the Russian angle. This is Lucas for sure, Indiana Jones, cynical loner, anthropologist etc went out and fought the Russians int he 1950’s… because they were…what… communists?

    Did we really read Indiana Jones as a pinko hating patriot, laying his life on the line not for the ones he loves or humanity or the right thing to do…bu laying it ont he line for the good of capitalism and “democracy”?

  • Dubious Critic said, on Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

    It’s not just Lucas, it’s Spielberg too. They’re both equally incompetent.
    Everything Spielberg touches, everything, whether he’s writing, directing, producing or whatever, gets fucked and filled with “it’ll do” executions of already arse ideas. Look at any movie Spielberg has had absolutely anything to do with, you’ll spot continuety mistakes, visable production crew and visable sets and lighting/cabling, moving props, the list goes on.

    Indy Skulls was a modge of tons of unused ideas from other Spielberg and Lucas films, all put together in a big shit smelling Gateaux.

    Believe it or not, the fridge/nuke scene in Indy Skulls, was ripped from an unused plotline from Back To The Future.
    Initially, the time machine was a fridge and Marty McFly (then played by Eric Stoltz) needed to use a nuclear explosion in the Nevada Desert’s nuclear testing ground to get back to 1985.

    Hmmm.

    The trailer for Indy Skulls actually contained stock footage from other movies too.

  • JT said, on Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

    The funny thing is that if they had used the Lucas art game Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis as a story board for this movie, they probably wouldn’t have had to change the title and it would have been a decent film, at least no worse than Last Crusade. It could have even kept the cgi monkeys Lucas was obsessed with

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