Oh where to begin. A friend and I once discussed making a website that provided film reviews in only five words. For example, for some reason we went to see the remake of The Producers starring Matthew Broderick. My review of this film would have been “Not very funny at all”. After watching Ghost Rider, the five word film review again seems very appropriate. “I fucking hate Nicholas Cage”. That would pretty much cover it.
I really do fucking hate Nicholas Cage as well. I hate his face, which is old and baggy. And I hate his voice, which sounds like he stole it from a floppy mouthed Elvis wannabe. And more than that, I hate his entire body of work, which frankly could all comfortably be on this website and no doubt will be eventually.

Ghost Rider immediately made little sense. It opens with a story about a guy who was the Devil’s Ghost Rider. A Ghost Rider collects souls for the Devil. One time there was a contract that was worth 1000 evil souls, and the Ghost Rider decided that it would be “too powerful” for the Devil to have, so he ran away with it. I’m not really sure why a contract that was worth 1000 souls would be so powerful if I’m honest, you’d think the fucking Devil already has at least 1000 souls? Apparently not.

So we then get introduced to the main character, Johnny Blaze. He’s a teenager at the moment, so no Nicholas Cage yet. Instead, the casting team were obviously given the task of finding a young Nicholas Cage, so presumably they put an ad up that read something along the lines of “Wanted – bland faced cunt for role in shitty film, must lack charm and acting ability”. Anyway, the guy they found to play young Johnny Blaze is doing stunts with his stuntman dad. They jump through two burning rings of fire on motor bikes. Let me just say that again because I’m going to refer back to it in a second: they jump through two burning rings of fire on motor bikes. So, after jumping through a burning ring of fire on his motor bike, Johnny Blaze does a small wheelie as he’s waving to the crowd and the bike wobbles a bit. He then catches up to his dad, who he has just jumped through two burning rings of fire with on a motor bike, and his dad is pissed off with him for doing a wheelie. Oh yes, that makes perfect sense, jump a
motor bike through fire – no problem, perform a wheelie which every teenage boy spends his entire life doing – you’re a crazy man taking your life into your hands. What a pile of shit. I don’t care if it’s trivial, it’s fucking stupid, and I hate it. And I hate Nicholas Cage, even though he hasn’t been in the film yet.

The film then races through the process of setting up the story, it’s all pretty obvious stuff. The Devil, who was clearly asked to play the role like a retired Rock’n’Roll paedophile, turns up and promises Johnny Blaze to make his dad all better from his predictable cancer in return for his soul. The conversation went something like this:

Devil        : Hey Johnny Blaze, how’s it going, can I do some creepy shit around you?

Johnny Blaze     : Yeah I don’t see why not. Shall I bother to ask who you are?

Devil         : No, no need, by the way, shall I cure your dads cancer overnight with magic?

Johnny Blaze     : With magic you say, yes that seems normal. Go ahead

Devil        : OK, well can I have your soul as payment

Johnny Blaze    : Yes, but only after I’ve given it absolutely no thought at all

After this surprisingly easy transaction was completed, Johnny Blaze wakes up the following morning and his Dad is now completely healthy. Unfortunately, later on that very same day he dies doing a stunt. A normal run of the mill jumping through fire stunt as well, not even a dangerous one like a wheelie or something. The Devil did it. Oh that sneaky Devil.

Young Johnny Blaze then ditches his girlfriend, and the next scene the real joy begins with the introduction of Nicholas Cage as old Johnny Blaze. I fucking hate Nicholas Cage. So what happens then, oh yeah, Johnny Blaze jumps over 1 million cars or buses or something, but he stops paying attention and lands on his face. His crew come running up to help him “Quick, take off his helmet and mash his neck and spine up a bit” they cry. Johnny Blaze is fine, despite the best efforts of his team.

All of this was basically to show that he’s cursed, he doesn’t care if he lives or dies, and that the Devil is keeping him alive. He does another jump, this time over a village of dinosaurs I think, and then finds Eva Mendez and tries to fuck her, but doesn’t, which is boring.

During this time, we’ve been introduced to Blackheart, who’s wandering around trying to find that contract for a 1000 scrolls so he can, you know, have it. That’s the only real explanation for it. And then the film happens, which can be described as follows: The Devil has a girly fight with Blackheart and decides to set Johnny Blaze on him. Blaze and Blackout have a boring and drawn out battle, punctuated by Blaze getting arrested, a security guard slapping a man that was at the time a skeleton on fire carrying burning chains, Eva Mendez not getting naked, Blaze being on fire under water….twice, and very little entertainment happening at all. Blackheart gets the scroll, gets all this bad ass illogical power, Blaze kills him, somehow, and then the end happened. Enter the Cage magic.

This is basically how the end went, except the last line didn’t happen, I’ve added it as it should have been there.

Devil:    Hey Johnny Blaze, thanks for doing all this shit for me that I can’t do myself despite being an all powerful god. I can take that turning into a burning skeleton curse away from you now

Johnny Blaze:    No thanks Devil, I’m going to keep it and use it fuck with you. Where ever you go, I’ll be there watching, whenever you spill blood, I’ll be the…

Devil:    Yeah yeah, shut up Blaze, if you were planning to fuck me with my own powers you might have wanted to, oh I don’t know, not tell me you fucking moron. I’m taking it back now, and I’m going to kill you for being a prick. And for the National Treasure films you fucking asshole.

Instead, the Devil let Johnny Blaze finish his lecture about following him and messing with his shit, and then said “I’ll make you pay for this” right before not making him pay for it, or doing anything at all for that matter.

I fucking hate Nicholas Cage.

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