I’m so glad Stanley Kubrick is dead. Yeah I said it, so what. Go and see Eyes Wide Shut and then tell me you don’t agree with me. I’m only sorry that everyone else that was involved in this film isn’t dead too.

There’s a word that sums this film up perfectly. Inane. From the script, to the plot, to Nichole Kidman’s dull featureless tits, everything in this film was inane. It wasn’t even that bad, other than the god awful soundtrack which I’m reliably informed was created by letting a cat walk up and down a piano, it was just utterly and totally inane.

So on to the story. Tom Cruise is a charming and lovely Doctor married to some totally mental whore who likes flirting with old men and fantasising about getting gangbanged by strangers. During a fit of insecurity after noticing what a drug addled slut his dull bony wife is, he goes around trying to have an affair but not quite managing, and then ends up sneaking into a weird party where everyone is wearing masks and having unconvincing sex with one another. Cruise is warned to leave by someone who realises he doesn’t belong there, but because he’s a monumental cunt he doesn’t, and shortly afterwards gets caught and presented to a man in a throne. Yes a throne. The man in the throne is shaping to tear Cruise all to shit, only for the same woman that warned him to leave earlier to offer to suffer his punishment instead. Cruise leaves and goes home. The hero.

What follows is a suspense filled mystery as Cruise attempts to unravel what happened to his saviour after he left the party. It certainly did appear that she was going to get her shit ruined after Cruise left, so it’s understandable that he would be worried about her. Perhaps less understandable is that a clearly deranged man wearing a mask and sitting in a throne had all but spelled out the fact that he was going to kill her, and Cruise didn’t give enough of a fuck to call the Police the moment he left the building.

The film develops, or more accurately doesn’t develop, and we end up finding out that that the girl who saved him was this hooker who Tom Cruise had used his mad doctor skillz to save from a drugs overdose the night before. This is how it went down:

Old Dude : Thanks for coming to my over elaborate party Dr Tom Cruise. While you’re here, I’ve got this broken hooker in my room, can you fix it?

Dr Cruise : Certainly. Why this hooker is all clogged up with drugs, have you been putting drugs in it?

Old Dude : Yep, certainly have been. It’s been broken for about 5 minutes. I have literally no idea what to do.

Dr Cruise : No problem, you haven’t been to medical school after all, why would you know. Watch this.

[Dr Cruise leans over the broken hooker]

Dr Cruise : Wake up broken hooker.

Old Dude : Oh, I didn’t think to try that. Just wake it up. That’s genius.

Dr Cruise : Why don’t be silly, you’re not a Doctor, why would you have possibly thought to try this, and even if you had tried it it wouldn’t have worked. You’re not a Doctor.

[Broken whore wakes up]

Dr Cruise : There, I fixed it. I told you. I’m the maddest doctor with the maddest mad doctor skillz.

Whore : Thanks Dr Tom Cruise, I’m going to sacrifice my life for you tomorrow in return for your incredible medical prowess this night.

All totally plausible and not stupid at all. The rest of the film has even less direction or purpose. Tom Cruise thinks that the broken hooker has been killed by the party dudes, but we sort of find out that maybe she hasn’t. He tells his wife all about his total lack of cheating, and they decide to stay together, even though she’s the most irritating character in cinema history, and then the film ends.

And when it does end, you realise that the entire content of this film can be summarised with the statement “Tom Cruise goes to a party”. And that’s pretty shit.

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