What do you get if you combine the following:

• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
• Karl “The Stone” Urban
• A movie that is very loosely based on the Doom series of PC games.
• A script that could easily be replicated by smearing faeces all over a piece of “creative” writing that was written by the least intelligent 12 year old in the world.
• Below average special effects.
• Hugely over compensatory performances by every male character in the film. Especially the two lead idiots.

The answer is Doom. A film that pans out like being repeatedly punched in the face by a 250 pound bar room brawler. I don’t actually know what’s the worst thing about this movie. Is it the way that it ignored most of the Doom franchise, including adding the notion of a “virus” that turns bad people into evil monsters and good people into nice monsters? Could it be the hilariously poor acting by everyone in the film except for Ryan Reynolds*? Perhaps it’s the total lack of cohesion throughout the entire two hour shit-flick?

In fact, it’s all these things. The only slightly enjoyable part is the short sequence where we get the DOOM VIEW. Essentially, we see the action from the point of view of Reaper (Karl Urban), just like you do in FPS games. It isn’t totally horrible, and does a half decent job of paying homage to the franchise that the rest of the film manages to almost totally ignore.

So that’s a pretty short review of Doom, which captures the very essence of how terrible the film is. It’s further proof that good video games DO NOT automatically translate into good films. Having said all of the above, it’s no Spiderman 3, but it is still one to miss. In fact, it’s probably easier to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

* God I wish he’d been in this film. Actually, if I’m wishing for things, I wish this film hadn’t been made and that in it’s place I could’ve watched a two hour montage of Ryan. Whoa, that sounded gayer than I planned…

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