No-one has ever enjoyed Die Another Day. You might’ve watched it at the cinema, on DVD or even illegally on the internet, and you’ll probably have thought either a) it wasn’t great, but some parts were good or b) it was pretty good, but some parts are bad. For weeks after seeing the film, you’ll think that everything is alright and that Die Another Day is a decent James Bond film. However, one night you won’t be able to sleep. You can’t get comfy, and you just can’t seem to switch off. This is your brain punishing you for not loathing this horrible, horrible movie. It’s a train-wreck, and I intend to explain why…

Let’s start with the opening. The MGM lion roars at the audience, which frankly is the highlight of the entire film. We then get thrown into a sequence where a couple of people in heavy camouflage are surfing towards a beach. They arrive on the beach, and one of them is revealed to be our hero, James Bond. Bond then proceeds to hijack a helicopter, fill a suitcase with C4 (the suitcase also has loads of diamonds in it – a sensible place for diamonds, no?)  and meets some ominous dudes. One of them is the main antagonist Gustav Graves (who is a Korean at this point), and the other is his right hand man Zao – both of them fail to make any sort of impact.  Bond hands over the suitcase; just before the bad guys rumble his identity (they use a camera phone for this task, obviously). We then find out that the lead bad guy’s dad is on his way to the complex, and Bond uses this convenient circumstance to blow up the C4 in the suitcase and steal a hovercraft. Oh yes, he STEALS A HOVERCRAFT. A long chase ensues, where the bad guys fail to even HIT Bond or his hovercraft, and yet Bond manages to dispatch all of his henchmen (apart from Zao).  The scene finishes with the Gustav falling off a cliff into the water below, and Bond being captured. He is then shown being tortured throughout the title sequence, which is unfortunately sung by Madonna.

After 3 minutes of pure sensory agony, Madonna shuts the hell up (although she will appear again later, in the fucking flesh this time). We then see Bond being traded (over a foggy bridge) for Zao, which is now sporting a face filled with pieces of diamond. He seems pretty pissed off about this, but I’d be ecstatic – he could make jokes about his face being worth a million pounds. It would’ve been hilarious. Anyway, MI6 are pissed with Bond because they think he spilled loads of secrets to the bad guys. Rather than trying to prove his innocence, Bond manages to stop his heart (just by thinking about his torture) and escape. Oh yes, you did read that correctly. Now do you realise just how shit this film is? No? Alright, let me continue…

Bond then travels to Cuba in pursuit of Zao and meets Jinx (Halle Berry) on a beach. Bond then breaks into some Gene Therapy place, and tried to get information from Zao, who is in the middle of getting his face fixed. He fucks it up, and Zao escapes. Bond goes back to London and meets Gustav Graves (who is no longer Korean, so Bond doesn’t recognise him) again. This who shitty scene can be summed up in one word: Madonna. Oh yes, she manages to get her stupid face into this film. Bond and Gustav have a really shit fencing fight, which Bond wins. What a surprise eh? Oh, and did I mention Madonna makes an appearance? Fuck me, she is terrible.

MI6 then realise that Bond is still useful, so he meets M underground and they rekindle their mother/son relationship. Q then hooks Bond up with the latest gadgets, which is probably my favourite part of the film (not in a good way). He gets a ring that breaks tough glass, a new watch and a car. Oh but this is a special car…

**WARNING** THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO PUNCH EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH THIS FILM **END WARNING**

The car he gets given can turn invisible. Yes, you did read that correctly. It can turn invisible.. Now there is a slim chance that I could’ve let that go. OK, an invisible car – it’s fucking stupid, but I guess I could overlook that for now. Unfortunately, the irreversible step is taken to EXPLAIN the invisibility. Seriously, if you’re going to make up an invisible car – DON’T FUCKING EXPLAIN IT. It won’t make ANY sense, and you’ll make everyone hate this film (either consciously or subconsciously) forever more.

The scene pans out as follows. Please note that the actual quotes are in normal text, and my comments are in italics.

[A platform with the car (currently invisible) rolls out in front of Bond and Q]

Q: The ultimate in British engineering.  Concorde was the ultimate in British engineering you prick.

Bond: You must be joking.  I fucking hope that you’re both joking.

Q: As I learned from my predecessor Bond, I never joke about my work.  Please be joking.

Q:  Aston Martin call it the Vanquish, we call it the Vanish.  No. Please. Take that back. Fuck me.

Bond: Oh very good. You’ve just seen AN INVISIBLE CAR. Why the FUCK aren’t you more impressed?

Q: Adaptive camouflage, tiny cameras on all sides project the image they see onto a light emitting polymer skin on the opposite side, you see, to the casual eye it’s as good as invisible. HA HA HA HA HA HA. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Cameras? Polymer skin? I fucking hate this film.

So yeah, I could go on about the invisible car (in fact, I will be going on about it some more a bit later). It’s fucking stupid and bumps this film from “shit” to “163 cows with chronic diarrhea shit”.

By this point (roughly half way), you probably think that this film can’t get worse. Oh, how I wish that were true. Bond pursues Gustav to an “ice palace”, where Gustav unveils his latest invention. He’s invented a satellite, which acts like a “second sun”. Essentially, it provides light to the earth. It’s never explained why, how or when he built this satellite, but we just need to accept that. Seriously, just accept it. What’s that? You can’t? Fair enough, neither can I. It’s fucking stupid, and it’s controlled by a massive metal suitcase, which they lug around like total idiots. Bond uses his SUPER INVISIBLE CAR (which isn’t affected by snow or anything) to get laid to some random bird, while Jinx gets captured by the bad dudes.

Bond goes to rescue her and find that she’s about to be cut apart by a laser moving AGONISINGLY slowly. Bond and a random henchman (called Mr. Kil) then engage in a climactic battle, surrounded by the aforementioned lasers in a scene of shit CGI and ridiculous fisticuffs. Bond wins (for a change), and they escape together. Oh and for the record, Halle Berry is fucking annoying. Her voice in this film is intended to piss off everyone, as it’s so high pitched and whiny. She even tries to be funny, which falls flat on its face every single time. Jinx and Bond then go their separate ways, where Bond gets captured (again) and Jinx gets locked in an ice room. Bond escapes (using the glass breaking ring), and he uses a rocket car to try and put some distance between himself and the ice palace.

Now comes yet another shit moment… Gustav uses the satellite’s alternate mode to fire a beam of concentrated light down from the heavens, in an attempt to kill James Bond in the rocket car… I wish I was fucking joking. That’s right folks! The satellite is actually a weapon! Thank fuck that they haven’t already used satellites as a major plot device in a previous Bond film. Oh, they did? Well, at least the satellites in the previous film weren’t really awesome – unlike the gay variant in this film. Oh shit, they were? Well, that makes this film look pretty terrible doesn’t it? Yes. Yes it does.

Gustav fails to kill Bond, who uses his MAD SURFING/PARAGLIDING skills to get to safety. The CGI in this part is absolutely hilarious. It really does look terrible, like someone that might’ve been thrown together in the 1990’s on a budget of £200. Bond then gets involved in a chase sequence with Zao, involving his invisible car and Zao’s “BANG BANG” car. They skid around on the ice for ages, not actually managing to do any damage to each other. Gustav then uses his satellite to start the ice palace melting. OH NO! That’s where Jinx is! She’s stuck! I’d fucking leave the bitch there, but Bond decides to drive into the melting palace after her. Zao pursues him, as they race up stairs and through corridors. Now comes the BEST MOMENT of this film. Bond has been skidding about on the ice for the past 10 minutes, lacking control of his car on the slippery surface. So to defeat Zao, he turns sideways, enables BIG METAL TREADS ON HIS TYRES, switches his camouflage back on and drives backwards up a wall. This outfoxes Zao, who plunges into the main hall of the melting ice palace.

Now, the issue I have here is that if Bond has had a button that enables BIG METAL TREADS on his tires, which provide him with PERFECT grip on the ice – why the FUCK has he waited until now to use them? He’s been skidding around like a prick for the past 15 minutes, but only NOW does he use a feature of his car that was obviously DESIGNED for driving on slippery surfaces, such as I don’t know, maybe ICE. What a fucking stupid film.

Bond saves Jinx, and ends up facing Gustav on a plane. Jinx defeats random girl, Bond beats Gustav and they escape the plane in a helicopter. The CGI is terrible, the ending is terrible and I fucking wish that they’d both died. Unfortunately, the helicopter does work, and they fly to safety.

So that’s it. Die Another Day. It’s 2% GoldenEye, 5% action, 23% gay and 70% retarded. Once you add all of this together, you get a film that’s 100% shit. Avoid Die Another Day. Avoid it like obese kids should avoid saturated fats. It is a fucking terrible film.

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