Quentin Tarantino has officially run out of credit now. Pulp Fiction was awesome, one of the best films I’ve ever seen. The next Tarantino film I saw was Jackie Brown. Jackie Brown was boring, but I let it go because Pulp Fiction was awesome. Then I saw Kill Bill, which was also boring, but again I let it go because Pulp Fiction was awesome. However, I just watched Death Proof, and I don’t care how awesome Pulp Fiction was, Quentin Tarantino needs to fuck off now.

Firstly, I’m going to talk about the feet. I’m not interested in feet. In fact, nobody other than 50 year old unemployed kerb crawlers is interest in feet. I have never been attacked by football hooligans or racists, but if I was, I’d imagine at some point I might be on the floor with a load of feet smashing into me, which would be the exact same experience as watching Death Proof. I therefore conclude that Death Proof is like being beaten up by a gang of racists.

I took notes while I was watching this film, this is a verbatim excerpt from them:

• Girl sends text message, I didn’t need to see that
• Feet
• Stuntman Mike gets a lap dance
• More feet
• Stuntman Mike kills everybody in the film
• Introduced to new characters
• For some reason it’s in black and white now
• More feet
• That hot girl I like is one of the new characters, that’s a bonus
• Colour comes back
• Feet
• Boring conversation
• Feet
• Stupid statistic gets raised which I’m going to complain about
• Black girl is apparently playing the role of a stereotype
• More Feet

Now, about that stupid statistic. One of the new characters is a black girl who, as mentioned in my notes, is playing the role of a stereotype. I will call her stereotype. Stereotype tells her friends she is carrying a gun, to which one of her friends says “You are more likely to get shot if you carry a gun then if you don’t”. Here’s why this is totally flawed logic. The only reason that statistic is true is that you are more likely to get shot if you live a gangland style life. Most ganstas carry guns, therefore the vast majority of people who get shot are carrying a gun. This does not mean carrying a gun makes you more likely to get shot. Most ganstas wear baseball caps as well, that doesn’t mean you’re more likely to get shot if you wear a baseball cap. This is a correlation, not a cause.

This is similar to the annoying statistic that you are far more likely to have an accident on roads you know well than roads you don’t. Experts say this shows that you’re more likely to stop paying attention on the roads you know well, which will lead to you crashing. This is also stupid, as it should be blindingly obvious that the roads you know well are the ones you are on most often, which of course makes it more likely you will crash on them then a road you are never on. Put it this way. I drive down the road my flat is on every day, I have been to Inverness once. I have had 1 car accident. Is it more likely that was in Inverness, or the road outside my house?

The above two paragraphs were totally superfluous to the review of this film weren’t they? If I was reading this, I’d find that really fucking annoying. This leads me to another point. This film constantly just drowned itself in random boring conversations of no relevance to the plot, if there was one. Listen Tarantine, the Royale with Cheese conversation was a fluke, stop trying to do it again, you’re ruining the magic.

And finally, Uma Thurman. Uma Thurman wasn’t in Death Proof, but I still hate her, and I’m pretty sure it’s Tarantino’s fault she exists.

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