Let’s get something out of the way from the start. I love most animated films, especially those from either Disney or Pixar.  I saw a trailer for Arthur and the Invisibles (hereafter referred to simply as “Arthur”) a few months ago and thought that it had the potential to be a magical journey, filled with wonder and joy… I was wrong.

Firstly, it’s one of those films that combines live action with animation. This is something that ONLY Disney has ever pulled off, with the film Who Framed Roger Rabbit – which you should definitely go and see at your earliest opportunity. If you’re a straight man, a lesbian or a bisexual, you will notice that Jessica Rabbit is hot. You won’t understand it at first, you might even think it’s weird and creepy, but you should take comfort from the fact that everyone in the above three groups will be feeling the same way. Anyway, I digress…

Arthur does NOT combine live action with animation. It’s got a bit of live action, a bit of animation and a bit more live action. The first bit of live action isn’t totally terrible. The dialog is poor, the acting is patchy and the storyline is questionable – but it is still kind of watchable. Unfortunately, that is the limit of my praise for this film, as the animation soon fucks everything up. Essentially, Arthur needs to find his granddad, who’s gone missing. To do this, he must journey to the world of the Minimoys, who are tiny little people that live in Arthur’s garden. In order to make this journey, a number of African tribesmen appear in his garden, point a telescope at the ground and wait for the full moon. That’s fucking right. I wanted to punch someone at this point, but decided I would push on in hope that things couldn’t get worse…

So Arthur is shrunk into Minimoy size, and enters their world. This is all animated, and frankly leaves a lot to be desired. We then discover (in the space of 0.1 seconds) that an evil guy called “Maltazard” is trying to destroy the Minimoys and that this random princess is going to stop him. What’s weird is that once the animation takes over, the film seems to run at 1.5x the normal speed. It’s like someone hit fast forward while they were finishing the movie. The dialog is rushed and feels horribly forced, like something a chimp with a severe mental disability might throw together. Arthur and Selenia have all the sexual chemistry of a pair of frigid bricks, which does not help matters. Even the bad dude (who they did give an awesome name), is both a) a pussy and b) not even a little bit scary. If you want a scary antagonist for an animated feature, please watch Sleeping Beauty and take note of “Maleficent”. She’s a proper villainess.

The film then decides that we’d LOVE to watch Arthur, the princess and some other prick on a journey to defeat Maltazard. Just before they leave, we watch Arthur pull a sword out of a stone. Oh yes, not only have they fucked about with Arthurian legend, but they RUINED this scene. Not only is he is little gimp about it, but he doesn’t even seem to give a shit that he’s now got a hugely powerful sword in his possession. He even lets his princess “friend” use and carry the sword. FUCK THAT. She’s an annoying little bitch, why the HELL would you let her carry YOUR sword? So anyway, the trio head off to defeat the bad dude and meet lots of people along the way. Everyone they meet is boring, and I was hugely glad when they reached the enemy’s fortress. Well, I was glad for a very short while. Arthur finds his granddad, they all get imprisoned and the bad guy decides NOT to kill them. Instead, he lets them escape. You did read that correctly. The antagonist ALLOWS the protagonists to escape. Fuck me, you couldn’t even make it up.

Arthur then returns to human form and comes back to smash the bad guy’s fortress. Some romantic shit happens between Arthur and the princess, which is hilariously not actually that romantic. Everything goes back to normal, and I want to write a letter to everyone involved in this film to ask for the previous hour and forty minutes back. Apparently, the reason that the dialog is so rushed is that this film is a French animation, which was converted over to English. I guess that French takes less time to speak than English, because they have to RUSH EVERY SINGLE LINE. It’s terrible. Not only that, but I then discovered that the English versions have about 10 minutes of footage removed. I’d bet that if you add this footage back in, you probably get a film that actually makes some sense. Actually, I doubt that a lot.

What’s worse is that Jason Bateman is in this film. I LOVE Jason Bateman, and can’t believe that he’d be in such a terrible film. I can only assume that he saw the script, but was then smashed over the head with a lamp, which confused him sufficiently so that he would accept the role. I’m planning to read the book that this film is based on, just to see whether it was the source material that was screwed up, or whether Hollywood managed to ruin a perfectly good book. I’ve got my money on the latter.

Don’t see Arthur and the Invisibles. If anyone you know suggests watching it, punch them. If anyone you know owns this film, punch them twice. If anyone you know LIKES this film, then please dial 999 and claim that they raped someone. Whilst they are taken in for questioning, fake some evidence and get them put away for good. They deserve it.

Screw it. I’m off to watch Aladdin.

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