Reviewed on May 23, 2009 by

Posted in Reviews / Sci-fi



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1 is good, 5 is bad.

[Total: 22    Average: 2.8/5]

I went to see 300 with my girlfriend and a friend. The film finished, and we all left quietly. “That was alright” I said to my friend. He agreed. My girlfriend agreed too. Everyone agreed. It was alright.

A couple of days later, I saw my friend Jimmy “Don’t see 300” he said “it’s fucking shit”.

Was it? I didn’t think it was shit, I thought it was alright. “I thought it was alright” I said.

“You’re wrong, it was shit, I’ve been waiting 6 months for that film, and then they gave me that. It was shit”

It was left at that, but I kept thinking about it. Was it really shit? And, if it was shit, wouldn’t I have noticed it was shit? And after a lot thought, I realised. Not only was it shit, it was monumentally shit. It was ground breakingly shit. And No, I hadn’t noticed. I hadn’t noticed at all.

However, I have noticed now, and this film can go fuck itself. Watching 300 is about as rewarding as eating flour. Allow me to complain like a bitch…

In the Lord of the Rings, when Oregano stopped the king from killing that pale faced cock who had been keeping him under a spell for god knows how many years, as the guy was running away it occurred to me that they might as well have yelled after him “by the way old chap, if you could see your way to not mentioning all the military secrets you know about us to the enemy, you know the enemy that we already know you’re in league with, that enemy, well if you could just not mention anything to him, that would be super. Especially that thing about the fucking big hole in the wall in helms deep which you could easily fill with explosives, could you just not mention that, would that be alright….hello?………fuck we should have killed him shouldn’t we?”

Well apparently military genius characters are all fucking stupid, as the same fucking thing happens in 300. Right at the start, that bizarre hunchback asked the main Scottish guy, who was obviously the king of Sparta, if he could fight for him, it went a bit like this…

“Hello Scottish king of Sparta, I’m essentially a lump of coal with a mouth, but I have come to fight for your bad ass group of British and American Spartans. GO TEAM!!!”

“I’m sorry, you’re too spastic to fight for me you ridiculous retard. I can’t even use you like I’m using these other few hundred people who aren’t even soldiers. By the way how did you get here?”

“Through this secret path that nobody other than me knows about”

“I see, do you mean the type of secret path that my enemy knowing about would totally and completely ruin my plan and guarantee the death of me, my men, and everyone in my city?”


“The type of secret path that someone who was aware of it might, if they were extremely unhappy with me, feel the urge to tell my enemy about?”


“I see….well, fuck you cripple. I fully expect to never hear from you again. Bye”

The moment that happened, I should have just got up out of my seat and gone home. Why bother making it that obvious. Apparently in the book the troll appeared to have killed himself, which makes a bit more sense, but why bother with it at all, it was just pointless.

And then there was the shit with his wife, whose presence in the film, from what I can gather, was purely for the purpose of getting a pair of tits in it. Not that I mind that particularly, but I honestly think that if film makers really want to get sex into a film but can’t think of a plausible way to do it, they should just play porn in the background when the credits run. That way they can keep men happy and not fuck up the story of their films.

So in summary, 300 was shit..

300 on May 23, 2009 rated 3.0 of 5

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  • ROCKER said, on Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

    Not as bad, but I do agree on that “SECRET PATH” point, which I think is stupidiest part of the whole movie…..

  • Big Turnip said, on Monday, March 29th, 2010

    Very comical review to which I almost completely agree with. I dissagree with the bit where you said you didn’t realize how shit it is until later. I came to that conclusion after literally 5 minutes (I think it was the bit when that tiny kid was getting turned over by a Spartan warrior to toughen him up, then he killed a warewolf. There aren’t many films that start in this way!).

  • brian said, on Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

    I don’t need to read anything to think different this movie makes me chuckle. The script is poor the storyline is poor and the blood and gore is not as i expected. Its ridiculous to think this is even a 1 star movie.
    Why don’t we make a movie about a cow taking a shit.

  • R.J. Moore II said, on Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

    A movie about Thermopylae where, instead of utilizing a phalanx, the douchebag naked body builders run around like football with swords.

    Fuck 300, and fuck Frank Miller, too. His novel sucked a goat’s dick cheese as well.

  • Cameron said, on Sunday, December 8th, 2013

    why is everybody saying bad shit about 300?, 300 is fucking amazing, it’s the best war movie ever

  • Jesse said, on Friday, January 3rd, 2014

    Historically totally inaccurate. Soldiers wearing NO armours, rhinos and elephants used as cavalry on the persian side and much more nonsense. Stupid characters in the movie.

    I did not like that film.

  • Canucklehead said, on Friday, July 31st, 2015

    Ever since this movie came out, people who refer to themselves as Alpha Males have been jizzing themselves silly at how manly the Greeks were. Little secret: they were all into bum-sex. What else is there to say? This movie was totally gay.

  • nikan said, on Tuesday, November 7th, 2017

    fuck the 300 film

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